If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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