I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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