Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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