I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
