I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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