It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
