Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
