I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
