So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
