My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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