I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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