she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You made out with two different species that night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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