paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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