Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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