ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
