I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
