Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My vagina just recognized that song.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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