so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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