Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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