If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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