So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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