eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
