Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
