How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
