If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
