He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
