I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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