when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
