After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
