I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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