Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I've blown a few things in my day
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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