sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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