Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
