Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
