She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
