I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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