apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My penis needs a shock collar
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
