I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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