i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
