At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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