This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
