Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
