im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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