We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
