I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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