wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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