The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
