just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
