His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
