I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
